Parenting Styles - the evolution
Well, well, well we all know that there are many
parenting styles, be it authoritative or authoritarian, democratic or
permissive.....or the new terminologies like positive parenting or helicopter
parenting. Which is the correct style and why?
I have conducted many parenting workshops, webinars
and have counselled many a parent too and there are two most common questions
or conclusions or opinions I have always come across –
1. We
as children were always very good listeners and did what our parents said or
sometimes did what our parents did not even say, just their body language or
even the raising of their eyebrows was enough for us to shut our mouths up. But
that's not the case with our children, even if we explicitly ask them to shut
their mouth - they have 100s of questions like; why, isn't it my turn to talk,
you are not being a patient listener, I am talking to you......
Am sure many of you
who are reading this are already smirking or thinking, yup it's true. We were
good listeners but not the new generation. But, who are we to judge, shouldn't
we ask this question to our parents- were we a good listener, did we stop
talking when we were asked to or hinted to??
Well, am sure they have a
different story to tell :).
2. The
next major opinion of current parent is - we are the most bearing and suffering
generation here. We always heard what our parents said and did what they wanted
us to do. And now, we are parents but again we are hearing to what our children
have to say and do what our children want us to do. When do we get to live our
life, live our dreams???
How many of you feel this????
Many nods am sure.
If we assume that both the opinions or questions or
conclusions are correct, then what went wrong in our parenting style.... are we
doing something wrong...? or is our expectation wrong......
What's the first thought that came across our minds
--- let's ask Dr. Google......
Unfortunately, the current generation is not
following any of the above listed parenting style.... the current style if I
may say so can be called "Google parenting".
A child sneezed today, and a worried mother started
to google – thousands of results from dust to allergy to common cold to asthma
to bronchitis to lung infection to...... and the research started by the mother
was continued by the father and data collection starts on all the social media
platform and everyone has their parenting advice. From home remedies to
medications to omg take your child to the doctor first.... to ......
Why make a fuss of a single sneeze, WHY?
To understand what's up with our parenting
style.... to what is right or wrong in the parenting style we will need to
first understand how the parenting styles have evolved. Being an Indian, I will
be giving more India related scenario, but am sure most of it is globally
applicable too.
Starting from caveman's era –
Parenting was all about living in herds, giving life lessons of how to hunt or eventually cultivate to survive in the world. This parenting style can be termed as Survival parenting.
Children learnt looking at stars and not at
screens. Parents’ role was protecting children from the wild and coping them up
to survive.
Simple lifestyle wasn't it?, a tension free life as
work-life balance was not an issue, also not to worry about too much TV time or
very less outdoor playtime.
The next era, let's take a leap to the Gurukul era –
More civilized population, family and society
setting. Need for guidelines not only for survival, and to meet the food needs,
but also meeting the additional needs of clothing and protecting the territory
added. Indian culture said treat every child till the age of 5 as God. No
scolding, no bias, no opinionated decisions, no corrections, no
expectations.... just let them live a free life. 5 to 8 was teaching obedience,
respect of elder, because they were to be moved into a then residential schools
called GURUKUL. They had to fend for themselves, help the guru matha to prepare
meals, make their own bed, sleep on their own, learn the scriptures and warfare
too. Parenting was outsourced here; termed as Outsourced Parenting. Rightly put - treat your child as your
neighbour’s child. When that was difficult, better to give away our child to
our neighbours to look after and grow them to be an independent individual.
How does treating my child as a neighbour’s child make
a difference – let’s take an instance; if a neighbour’s child breaks a glass.
The first response of ours will be its ok, are you fine. Don't worry, glasses
are meant to be broken. If they fall they will break. As far as you are not
hurt nothing to worry, and the neighbours' child thinks – wish my parents were like
this.
But, if the same glass was broken by our child, how
would our response be??
“What! you broke another glass, why are you so
careless, you really have butterfingers, anything in your hand never comes back
in one piece.......”
The glass has broken once, but the emotion of the
child is bruised many, many times. Hence, the saying "treat your child as
your neighbour’s child" and the best way found then was to make our child
the Guru's child. Children learnt not only to be independent, but also to
respect and value what their parents said as they hardly saw them.
Next came the Invasion era –
First time the gender discrimination came into
picture. To safeguard the girl child from abduction and trauma, home schooling
started for them, but boys continued to go to Gurukul.
Girls stopped learning new things from around.
Learnt only household things and how to run the same. This Parenting style can
be termed as Gender Bias parenting. Upbringing of both the genders were
different and expectations from both also changed. Girl child became only
homemaker and a person always to rely upon father, husband and later on their son
to make both ends meet. To earn a living and protect home and the country was
only male child's responsibility. Well, that was the need of the hour then.
If we can see till this era the learning outcomes
from every child was to become independent and learn to live on own and not
associated to any job or marks or ranking. Education was for knowledge gain and
skill development. Parents' responsibility was to make every child strong to
fend for themselves and their family.
Then came in the British era –
The first thing they broke down was the teaching
style and that in turn impacted the parenting style. Learning was associated to
a monetary outcome, education was for job not for knowledge any longer. Hence,
parenting style became only demanding, dominating and dictating. The creativity
and freedom of thought lost the charm. Parenting was all about only obedience
and follow the instruction. New thought processes were curbed and that
generation children forgot to question and some who dared to question were shunned
and shamed or worse yet threatened to only listen to the instructions or follow
the order; hence can be termed as Instructional parenting.Now, comes the post-independence era –
The influence of British era was still very high,
so the parenting style continued to be authoritative and commanding and
demanding. Influence was not only from parents, but also from relatives, siblings
and cousins. Large and joint families, too many children, less attention on
individual child’s progress, et al. Family parenting or joint parenting became
the main style. Too many adult influence and older sibling influence, hence
only commanding and demanding leading to subordination and inferiority. No freedom
of thought, no decision-making capacity, no confidence, always seeking others’
opinion before taking a step, a total non-risk taker....
Come in the Global era –
The world became one small place. Information overflow, well connected network and beyond all lesser number of children and nuclear families. Less time with parents again, but no extended family to influence the parenting style. Guilty parenting became the norm. Fulfilling unreasonable request of children to keep the guilt at bay, giving in to every demand leading to tantrums, overprotective parenting, yielding in for every demand and "Never say No" became the order of the day.
Humans have evolved and parenting style also kept
evolving according to the needs of the hour, but what went wrong is we did not
know how and when to draw a line.
The current generation parent does not want their
children to suffer and feel needy, hence we started providing everything to
them. But, life is not that simple - is it? If there is no pain, then there is
no gain. Unless a child falls and learns to rise up again, the child will never
learn to walk.
The major parenting tips we have to learn from the
evolution is -
- Help the child to be independent
- It's ok to fall, more important is to learn to stand up again.
- Every attempt will not yield desired results, try, try and try till you succeed has to be taught.
Are we looking only at obedience or are we looking
at independent thinking? --- we have to be clear in our expectations. If we are
looking at blind obedience then the child will not survive in the world as
he/she will not learn to think and decide for themselves.
As a parent, allow your child to err, it's ok to
fail, it's fine if they break things. The point to remember is how to clean up
the mess, so that a new start can come up.
Keep realistic goals in the mind, use Dr. Google to
check the practical and age appropriate milestones. Set expectations according
to what can be attained. Appreciate every attempt, don't be a critic. None of
us like to be ridiculed not even the child. Treat every child as a Mini - Adult.
If that freedom is given then, already the child is growing up as a thinking,
feeling and curious individual.
Never curb their curiosity. There is a lot of
information at our finger tips what we take and how we perceive is all that
matters. Quoting Mahatma Gandhi here – “Be the change you want to see in them.”
So, first learn to give respect to get respect.
Never
forget "Children see, children do."
